I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
