if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
