I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize