shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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