Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
