Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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