just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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