How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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