Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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