it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
