i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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