You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
even my farts smell like vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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