Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
