Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
