I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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