You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
