I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
