Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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