Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
