I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
