i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
