Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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