today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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