...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
