I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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