I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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