I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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