The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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