dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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