You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
