Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
