Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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