i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
