Where is the hickey?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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