A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
