I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
