I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
