Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
