dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
