I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
