can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
