So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
