My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
