I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dignity is for republicans.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
