I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
