I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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