There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think my tv is drunk
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
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Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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