Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
