It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
