Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
