Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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