Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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