If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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