Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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