Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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